In the past 365 days, two people I knew passed away.
And truthfully, it wasn’t anything major. I hadn’t talked to either of them in a long time, and even when I did talk to either of them, we weren’t particularly close. One was around at quite a few bonfires back in high school. I still have his guitar in my room. The other was a girl I remember having this huge crush on back when I was little – maybe first grade. Met up with her again in my junior year of high school through a mutual friend. When we got re-introduced, the first thing she said was “Oh, I remember you. I used to like you.”
But still, I wasn’t particularly close to either of them. Not compared to the circle of friends I keep right now. So when they died, it really was something that happened on the fringes. We had all since gone off in our own directions. I caught the news over Facebook. I didn’t attend any funerals.
I don’t think I have the right to mourn – not in full, not like the people that truly knew them. But I think the idea of death – our perception of it, its presence in our lives – changes when it happens in our vicinity. When the people that go aren’t faceless – when they occupy even some minute bits of time in your life. It’s varying degrees of absence, but it’s felt, processed, and mended all through the same processes. Maybe this is my version of mourning. Making up for the fact that I didn’t know enough to give a eulogy.
I’d like to be remembered even on the fringes – just somehow – if I end up going to soon.